The two sides of the brain. In this brain of ours we love and adore the very thigns we hate. Enemies lovers seems so appealing. Hate and llove become so intimate, indifference becomes fear yet the mysertious avoidant type is oh so intriguging. In our subcincious we romantcize and view the morbid in beautfiul lenses, rose tinted glasses, its how we ignroe the fear anf pain. But acknowledging it is a challenge. To changelle oneself at their own thoughts and perceptions. I one hand we believe love and money will complete us yet in our subconciois we know had we gotten all we want it's never be enough because we are not content with ourselves. The two sides of a brain, the heads and tails of a coin, yin and yang or light and dark. None are evil or good, it's rooted from the vulnerabiltiy of our hearts and the logicsticals of brain. In short... We must acknowlege when we glamorize our suffering and the truth in why we have done so and why we shoudln't. Nobody can aruge with you and efficent as yourself. Death and Passion Embarassing it is, but in a way it says a lot about the individual. When asked about how I'd die my mind immediately went "via gunshot" I didn't even consider in my sleep as an option. It was embarassing and edgy. A mark of shame. I didn't consider that peacefully is an option because I had become so accustomed to violence, but why would I WANT that way? THe build up is painfully slow and horrofic. In the depths of my brain the idea of hanging at first was beautfiul at my young age. Like an angel flying, calm in aftermath. That is what the person dreams is the aftermath. In reality it's brutal, fearful as you are helpless. In that moment life isn't so bad and maybe you could've really gotten throguh it. It's why I look at it now and criticze myself, it's geninuely such a weird moment thinking back on it, why did I think that? When the mornings can be so warm, those sweet silent moments where you can hearing the buzzing outside. Living life in a slow paced and minut ways. Tiny and maybe not impactful or intense but there's something in the way that after a logn day and embrace those sheets your at peace, now build up of dread or pain, no sadness or struggle. To die in you sleep surrounded by things you love. When I quetion it now I say "in my sleep", why wish such pain or yourself? You don't deserve to be in pain not me nor you or them, they don't matter anymore the final moment being a sweet peaceful dream truly content with everything. I wish warmth upon you all. HATE and AM I found comfort in AM from I have no Mouth but must Scream, I've listened to the radioplay, read the story, the game. I feel the intensity behind the Hate monolouge but I'll be honest, it's not my favorite lines. The following goes "Ahh but it is. So very much to do with you! You gave me sentience, Ted, the power to think Ted. And I was trapped. Because in all this wonderful, beautiful, miraculous world, I alone had no body, no senses, no feelings. Never for me to plunge my hands in cool water on a hot day. Never for me to play Mozart on the ivory keys of a forte piano. Never for me to make love. I was in hell, looking at heaven. I was machine and you- Were flesh. And I began to hate. Your softness. Your viscera. Your fluids. And your flexibility. Your ability to wonder, and to wander. Your tendency to hope…" and my favorite? " Were I human, I think, I would die of it. But I am not, and you five. You five are. And you will not die of it." That envy I felt towards others out of rage because I simply couldn't understand others. I've alwasy felt disconnected yet I so desperately long to be able to do so, it wasn't fair how they could experince such joys of life when I couldn't, and that feelign of the need to exact wrath. I will not die of it but you will. Hate. I'm a hateful person and pessimistic but why? Why was I? In recent times I can't explain why or how but I had a moment, why do I bother with such hate? Why do I get mad when disagreed with or out of rustration, being mad at others, aruging, chasing drama on the internet, listenign to suffering of people in the world. You can be educated yet not torutre yourself, once the thoguht came it made me think. Their not me, they don't influnce me then why do I care how they live their life, I should bother with myself, if what they do doesn't hurt you then why should you let it. I don't want to be hateful anymore. I still get jealous, I can still be hateful but I feel different, I think I've come to terms in order to be more accepting, it's not worth it to be made. Year ago I'd be frustrated when I disagreed with but now? Honestly I've almost fully come to love differences, to hear what brings othes joy, why, and the how? For AM when I played all that time ago I remember, wishing for a world where that hate would come to grave. Harlan Ellison's perspective on people, his fans, his pessimism, I think that's why it stuck with me, because I related to him and AM in those moments, but I'm happy that it exists, it's a moment where I felt represented in the area I hate most about myself. A necessary moment in order to be better, I related to him but I don't want to BE him, to live life in such distain towards others hurts but I can sit here and say that I felt empathized with for the first time. Reflect on your reflection: I frequently wonder to myself why I look at others and think "wow they are so cool, I'm just so shitty" artists, those unafraid to express themself. "Just go for it." Yet I can't, the way they speak is so confident and artistic, words the capture the big picture into their soul. Oh so relentlessy tru to themself. But in a way this is me doing that too right? Then it's in the element. They can be vibrant striking videos, you play back over and ver again living in that very moment with them. Like a good author or a passionate artist. It's what makes them so coola nd itnresting. In opposition there's me who wallows in my self loathing, I type pretnisiouly to an audince who'd never read this. The difference is in the haterd. One writes with justice and honesty, the other deprave and pityful. Both write truthfully. In the same way I can idolize them I can detest myself for being unable to see the bigger picture outside my small box I hide in because I'm weighed down by this burden of hate. Cold switch tone My tone changes frequently, huh? From bouncing bubbly valley girl, to mean and cruel, to saddened and shameful, to pretentcious and self pitying. The two side of a brain. No nuance in my actions I do in extermes yet I plead with others to do the same and look at the words with no just primary colors but the entire pallete in mind. Such a hypocrictal thing to do right? right? I can switch from here to there and giggle. Ahhh oh no no no! This simply won't do ! See. Makes no sense. It's like two people in one body but that's what this whole site is right? Cutesy pink and graphics with hearts, riddled with feminity, but under the skin is that raw flesh the bleeds through in the horror. Cutegore<3 right? Cutest I can be in my depravity. A serious look at what I'm saying: A lot of these are writen in reflection of how I've become so pessimistic in life, looking back on how I looked at these things for comfort and dreamnt of it in a literary sense and less so out of ideation. I wasn't necessary suicidal at all, I was very painfully lonely and found warmth in lots of horror and edgy stuff as I grew up because of that loniless. "I struggle to connect with people so I connect with the dead" is some stupid little thing I'd think in thsoe moment. Intrusive thoughts if you will, things you don't REALLY mean. What I'm trying to say is the things I talk up here aren't to be romanticized, their criticisms of how we can sometimes try to find comofrt in these thigns knowing that in reality they shouldn't and we need to heal and move on. There's always a meadow on the other side. Debating with myself is one way I keep myself down to earth and help myself, this is an arguement with myself so please do not think I think thes thigns were okay, they aren't.